Are You Withholding From Your Spouse?

 Posted on March 31, 2026 in Divorce

Marriage takes two people who are willing to show up emotionally, physically, and in every other way. But what happens when one person starts to pull back? If you have found yourself wondering whether your spouse is withholding from you, or whether you might be doing it yourself without realizing it, you are not alone. Withholding in a marriage is one of the most common but least talked-about problems in struggling marriages.

If you are afraid your marriage has reached a breaking point, our Aurora, IL divorce lawyers at The Law Office of Matthew M. Williams, P.C. are here to help. 

What Does It Mean to Withhold From Your Spouse?

Withholding in a marriage means holding back something your partner needs. Whether that is affection, honesty, physical intimacy, or emotional connection, withholding damages relationships. Most people think of physical or sexual withholding first, but spouses can pull back in many different ways. The distance builds up over time regardless of the form it takes.

It is also important to understand that withholding is not always a deliberate choice. Sometimes, withholding is a way of punishing a partner or maintaining control in the relationship. But just as often, it comes from stress, depression, unresolved conflict, or experiences from the past. Either way, the impact on the marriage can be just as serious.

Common Types of Withholding in a Marriage

• Physical affection: Consistently pulling away from hugs, hand-holding, or other forms of basic closeness

• Sexual intimacy: Repeatedly declining or avoiding sex without being willing to communicate about it or address the issue

• Emotional availability: Shutting down during difficult conversations, refusing to open up, or giving the silent treatment

• Financial transparency: Hiding accounts, concealing income, or keeping a spouse in the dark about household finances

• Appreciation and acknowledgment: Never recognizing a partner's efforts, contributions, or feelings

• Communication: Stonewalling, dismissing concerns, or refusing to engage with important topics

Any one of these patterns can quietly wear a marriage down. Together, they can make a partner feel alone and unwanted, even while living under the same roof as someone else.

What Is a Withholding Spouse?

A "withholding spouse" is someone who creates a consistent pattern of denying their partner the openness or intimacy that a healthy marriage requires. This is different from having a rough stretch or going through a hard season. A withholding spouse does not simply have bad weeks, but rather established habits that leave their partner feeling shut out.

That pattern might look like a spouse who goes silent for days after any disagreement. It might be a partner who has not been affectionate in years and shows no interest in talking about why. It could also be a spouse who handles all the money and deliberately keeps the other partner financially dependent and uninformed.

Emotional disengagement and a breakdown of intimacy are among the most frequently cited contributors to marital breakdown. When one partner consistently pulls back, the other often spends years trying to close the gap. This can often come at a serious cost to their own mental and emotional health.

When Does Spousal Withholding Become Emotional Abuse?

Not every withholding spouse is being abusive, but in some cases, lines do get crossed. When withholding is used as a tool to punish, manipulate, or control a partner, it moves into emotionally abusive behavior. Some signs that withholding has reached that level include:

• Your spouse withdraws affection or goes silent specifically after disagreements, as a form of punishment.

• You feel like you are constantly trying to earn basic kindness or approval.

• Your spouse controls the finances in a way that makes you financially dependent and powerless.

• You have been made to feel that your emotional needs are unreasonable or a burden.

• The pattern of withholding has affected your sense of self-worth or your daily functioning.

If any of this sounds like your situation, it may be time to speak with a Kane County divorce lawyer about what your options look like.

When Should You Divorce a Withholding Spouse?

Whether to get divorced is a question that only you can answer. But there are clear signs that a marriage defined by withholding may have gone beyond what can be repaired.

Divorce may be worth considering if:

• You have tried couples counseling and your spouse refused to participate honestly or at all.

• The pattern of withholding has been going on for years with no meaningful change.

• You feel more alone in your marriage than you would living on your own.

• The dynamic has started to affect your mental health, your self-esteem, or your children's wellbeing.

• Your spouse has shown no interest in acknowledging the problem or working on it.

Under 750 ILCS 5/401, Illinois is a no-fault divorce state. The only grounds for divorce recognized in Illinois are irreconcilable differences, meaning the marriage has broken down in a way that cannot be fixed. You do not need to prove that your spouse did anything specific wrong. You do not need evidence of abuse, infidelity, or any particular event. If you believe the marriage is irretrievably broken, that’s good enough for the law.

This is important because many people stay in withholding marriages for years because they feel they cannot "prove" the issues exist in a courtroom. But in Illinois in 2026, you do not have to prove anyone did anything wrong. A Kane County divorce attorney can walk you through what irreconcilable differences means in practice and help you understand what a divorce case would look like for your specific situation.

What If My Spouse Blames Me for the Problems?

Withholding spouses often deflect. If your spouse tells you that you are "too needy," that your expectations are unrealistic, or that the distance in your marriage is your fault, that doesn’t make it true, but it is a common response to being confronted with a pattern of withholding behavior. A divorce lawyer can help you cut through that kind of deflection and focus on what actually matters: your rights, your options, and a fair outcome.

Call an Aurora, IL Family Law Attorney Today

If you are living in a marriage defined by distance, silence, or disconnection, you deserve to know your options. Our Kane County divorce lawyers at The Law Office of Matthew M. Williams, P.C. bring over 25 years of experience to divorce cases throughout Aurora and the surrounding area. 

We offer free consultations so you can learn about what divorce might look like for you without any pressure. Whether you are just starting to think about your options or you are ready to move forward, we are here to help. Call The Law Office of Matthew M. Williams, P.C. at 630-409-8184 to speak with a lawyer today.